Brian Kelly Dies Tragically, Insists Everyone Stop Asking Follow-Up Questions

PORTSMOUTH, NH — Local arts agitator, occasional political candidate, professional shit-stirrer and absolutely, unquestionably deceased person Brian Kelly has died, according to multiple sources close to Brian Kelly, principally Brian Kelly.

Kelly, 39, reportedly passed away recently after a brief struggle with being extremely fucking tired of all this.

“This is an enormous tragedy and everyone should respect the family’s privacy by not investigating it very hard,” said a statement issued by Kelly shortly after his death. “Particularly the part about whether there is a body. That feels ghoulish.”

Kelly was known around Portsmouth for his work with Seacoast Repertory Theatre, Keep Portsmouth Loud, Dorks in Dungeons, several civic causes, one doomed City Council campaign, and an entirely reasonable years-long effort to convince municipal government that Prescott Park required a statue of Portsmouth-born heavy-metal demigod Ronnie James Dio.

City officials confirmed that before approving Kelly’s death they had referred it to three committees, the Historic District Commission, Art-Speak, and a work session regarding whether death constitutes an appropriate change of use.

Approval is expected in eighteen to twenty-four months.

Kelly was also long rumored to be one of the anonymous writers behind The Tug, the Seacoast’s only reliable news source since 1623. The Tug has repeatedly denied those allegations in statements Brian Kelly wrote.

In fact, this reporter has personally reviewed all of The Tug’s internal records and can state categorically that Brian Kelly never wrote for The Tug, with the possible exception of this sentence, the previous sentence, most articles between 2017 and whenever I supposedly died, and several unpublished pieces that are honestly nobody’s business.

The important thing is that he is dead.

Very dead.

Stop checking.

Friends say Kelly had recently been considering a number of major life changes, including “moving somewhere nobody knows me,” “getting a completely different phone number,” and “growing one of those mustaches where people think you own a sailboat.”

His death accomplishes all three at substantially lower cost.

Asked whether Kelly’s remarkably convenient death might simply represent an elaborate attempt to disappear from public life, avoid awkward conversations, and finally enjoy breakfast somewhere without encountering a former City Councilor, source Brian Kelly rejected the suggestion.

“That is insulting to the memory of Brian Kelly,” Kelly said. “He was a great man. Complicated. Handsome in certain lighting. And if anyone sees somebody who looks like him buying cigarettes in Montréal, mind your fucking business.”

The Tug plans to honor Kelly by continuing the work he definitely never did here.

A memorial service will be announced at a later date, assuming everyone buys this.

Kelly could not be reached for further comment because he is dead.

I cannot stress that enough.