Former Councilor Declares Himself Mayor of “Porstmouth”
- The Tug
- Nov 5
- 2 min read
Following a stunning electoral defeat that saw him and his allies finish somewhere between “embarrassing” and “significantly low enough that they should never run again,” former Portsmouth Mayor Rick Becksted announced Wednesday morning that he is now “Mayor of Porstmouth,” a breakaway city that exists primarily inside the comments section of Seacoast Online.
“Porstmouth has always been a state of mind,” said Becksted, speaking from behind a cheap AI-generated seal depicting a bald eagle angrily emailing an editor. “While Portsmouth may have rejected strong leadership, Porstmouth embraces it, proudly.”
According to Becksted, the City of Porstmouth will operate under “common sense” and will not recognize the results of elections, traffic studies, or facts. City services will be provided by a collection of retired lawyers with nothing better to do, corrupt kayak rental moguls, and others loosely identified as "I know a guy."
The announcement comes six years after Porstmouth was first unveiled in 2019, following what officials at the time insisted was not a tattoo-related misspelling. The city’s original logo - a train plunging off a pier as ship captains looked on indifferently - has reportedly been updated to feature Becksted himself, arms crossed, standing atop the wreckage yelling, “See? This is what happens when I’m not in charge.”
When asked about Porstmouth’s population, Becksted cited “tens of supporters” and a “rapidly growing online community,” which appears to consist mostly of burner accounts arguing with each other.
One outgoing Councilor expressed cautious optimism about the development. “Honestly, this is the best possible outcome. He’s finally found a city that will elect him unanimously,” they said.
As of press time, Mayor Becksted of Porstmouth had declared a state of emergency over “fake news, secret meetings, and disrespect,” before adjourning the first council meeting after yelling at a mirror.