Portsmouth Police Log 12/31/16 – 1/1/17

7:30am: Responded to a call from a Gates Street resident that the nearby fire hydrant was making a vague whooshing sound. It kind of was.

9:01am: Responded to a Middle street accident. Car vs. Box truck. Box truck won. Cited bystanders for illegal gambling.

10:35am: Assisted State Police when one of them lost a contact lens. The lens was found.

10:39am: Responded to a call from Congress street resident about a wild bat that came down the chimney during the night. Left it because bats are scary and their wings are also arms.

10:50am: Responded to a Middle Street accident. Car vs. Stroller. Stroller won in a surprising upset victory. Cited bystanders for illegal gambling.

11:50am: It’s quiet. Too quiet. Something must have been up. Logged it just in case.

12:00pm: Lunch break. There was pizza in the lobby. Officer Jones ate the last slice even though she had already had two and she knows I like pepperoni.

3:00pm: Responded to a call from a Pleasant Street resident reporting people walking near his house and looking at things. They were gone when police arrived.

3:05pm: Responded to a call from the Pleasant Street resident reporting people walking near his house and looking at things. Took photographs taken by caller into evidence on his insistence.

3:21: Let call from Pleasant Street Resident go to voicemail.

4:24pm: Tased the Holiday tree to see if the lights would go on. They didn’t.

5:30pm: Responded to an accident on Middle Street. Stroller vs. Bicycle. Stroller retained title in a two-to-one decision. Looked the other way on gambling this time. 7:14pm: Responded to a call at the Memorial Bridge about a possible jumper. Was just Mayor Blalock starting his New Years Eve vigil for the Great Party Boat that will deliver him to the Secret Rum City if it finds him worthy. This might be his year. He threw some great parties.

8:42pm: Rolled slow passed some fuckboys who came into town for New Years Eve. Flashed those fuckers some steel to let them know we don’t take kindly to Christophers and Chads in this town.

9:36pm: Checked in on Mayor Jack because it was cold and he was shirtless. He said his resolve to party kept him warm. He looked pretty cool in the light of the bridge. A sea-born adonis ready to get fucked up in the Secret Rum City.

11:00pm: Stopped into the Press Room for a drink. Let Bruce Pingree touch our service weapons. We drink for free, so fair is fair. Officer Jones and I reconcile and she promises to buy me a slice soon. I’m writing it down here so I don’t forget.

11:40pm: Broke up a fight between Stroller and Chad outside the Daniel Street Tavern. Took Chad into protective custody. Should have let stroller wreck his shit a little more; Chad would look better with fewer teeth.

12:00am: Happy New Year. Watched the ball drop. Teased Chad that balls still haven’t dropped. High fived the whole fuckin’ department. Called paramedics to treat that sick burn.

12:14am: Checked in on Mayor Blalock at the Memorial Bridge. The boat hasn’t come. He is inconsolable. Maybe next year, mayor.

1:20am: Did some New Years donuts in Market Square.

3:40am: Called it a night. Set all 911 calls to go to voicemail. People can solve their own problems for a bit.