Scientists Still Baffled by the Spacetime Topology of Dover, NH

Astrophysicists from UNH confirmed this week that they remain “utterly stumped” by the non-Euclidean geometry governing the borders of Dover, New Hampshire. Despite decades of mapping, fieldwork, and at least one grant-funded pub crawl, the city’s spatial boundaries continue to defy both logic and GPS.

“Every time we think we’ve exited Dover, it turns out we’re still in Dover,” said Dr. Carla Minot, head of the Dover Topology Initiative. “We’ve observed phenomena like sudden jurisdictional folding, non-linear annexation drift, and a recurring pocket universe that appears to be entirely composed of car dealerships.”

Residents describe a similar experience. One local reported leaving Breakaway Cafe, driving ten minutes in a straight line, and somehow arriving back in downtown Dover without turning once. “It’s like the city folds in on itself,” said longtime resident Andy P. “I just wanted to get to Durham, but Dover kept happening.”

The situation becomes stranger at the borders. Rollinsford, for example, appears to have broken off from Dover in a cataclysmic municipal event sometime in the late 19th century. “We believe Rollinsford is a gravitational fragment,” Minot explained. “A kind of rogue moon-town, tidally locked in orbit around Dover. It experiences full eclipses every time Dover City Council meets.”

By contrast, nearby Northwood is understood to operate on a completely different dimensional axis. “Northwood is what physicists call a ‘linear anomaly,’ a hyperspace superhighway powered entirely by antique stores,” Minot said. “If Dover is a warped bubble in the fabric of reality, Northwood is a 14-mile yard sale stretching through time itself.”

For now, scientists advise extreme caution when navigating Dover’s borders. “If you think you’ve left Dover, check your surroundings,” said Minot. “If you see a Hannaford, a Dunkin’, and at least one confusing traffic circle, you’re still in Dover. Probably.”

City officials have promised to install clearer signage and possibly quantum boundary beacons “as soon as funding from the State becomes available.”