The Music Hall Bravely Chooses Cowardice, Cancels Fundraiser Over Threat Of Mild Disagreement

PORTSMOUTH, NH — In a stirring display of valorous retreat, The Music Hall announced it had canceled Lovering Health Center’s planned fundraiser and documentary film screening after encountering the most fearsome adversary known to performing arts venues: the possibility that someone outside might hold a sign.

“After careful consideration, we have decided to take a bold stand for timidity,” declared a Music Hall spokesperson at a press conference held safely behind a locked lobby door. “At The Music Hall, we believe in the arts, in community, and in sprinting away the instant things get even a teensy bit spicy.”

The event—benefiting Lovering Health Center and featuring a documentary screening—was scrubbed just days before showtime, prompting a swift local outcry and an even swifter search for a new venue. Attendees said they were disappointed but impressed by the Hall’s commitment to being not political in the most political way possible.

“We applaud The Music Hall for courageously prioritizing their right to flinch,” said a supporter of the fundraiser, who described themselves as “pro-choice and pro-spine.” “In an era when institutions pick sides, they’ve bravely picked ‘duck and cover.’”

When asked whether the decision might embolden hecklers, the Hall’s spokesperson emphasized the venue’s longstanding policy of “de-escalation by immediate capitulation.”

“Our mission statement has always been ‘Inspiring the Seacoast through art, culture, and rapid U-turns,’” the spokesperson added. “We are not taking a side; we are taking a seat—preferably under a desk.”

Organizers say they scrambled to relocate the event, buoyed by residents who insisted the show must go on somewhere that doesn’t get woozy around clipboards. “We respect The Music Hall’s decision to perform a full-body faint,” said a Lovering representative. “In the meantime, we’ll keep doing what we do: serving patients and supporters who, unlike certain buildings, are capable of remaining upright.”

Pressed on whether the venue would reconsider future bookings that might attract opinionated humans, the Hall proposed a new programming slate featuring only neutral topics: silent wind-chime retrospectives, unbranded beige light shows, and a one-woman play titled “Shrug.”

“We want to reassure everyone that The Music Hall remains a safe space for the arts,” the spokesperson concluded. “Specifically, for art that has no themes, opinions, or verbs.”

In a final, resolute flourish, the venue unveiled a new promotional tag line for the organization:

“Standing up for sitting down”