Kittery Braces for Early Black Friday: FEMA Deploys Ahead of Predicted “Retail Event of the Century”

KITTERY, ME — As more retail stores announce Black Friday deals starting as soon as November 20th, emergency management officials have begun staging resources across the Seacoast as Kittery prepares for an event meteorologists and economists alike have described as “a Category 5 consumerism wave.”

Local authorities have closed Exit 3 from I-95 until further notice, citing “unsafe levels of excitement” from early arrivals spotted camping outside the Kittery Trading Post since Monday. “We’ve learned from last year,” said Police Chief Robert Richter, referring to the 2024 incident known locally as The Great Croc Stampede. “We have evacuation routes, emergency chocolate, and National Guard helicopters ready to airlift anyone trapped between Yankee Candle and Coach. Bob’s Clam Hut has gracefully re-opened to serve fried fish to refugees.”

The Maine Climate Council has also issued a Retail Heat Advisory, warning that the sheer volume of SUVs idling in the outlet parking lots could raise local temperatures by as much as four degrees. “At this point, Kittery’s Black Friday could be our best simulation of global warming,” said one NOAA scientist, staring grimly at a thermal satellite image that looked “like the sun, but with better parking.”

The Preppers Were Right

For years, a small but vocal community of local “Black Friday preppers” has warned that this day would come. Stockpiling granola bars, folding chairs, and portable chargers, they’ve formed tight-knit survival groups—some complete with hand signals and laminated outlet maps.

“I told everyone,” said self-proclaimed preparedness influencer and YouTube host OutletRanger, speaking from his fortified base camp behind Theory Wellness. “They laughed when I built a collapsible bunker. Who’s laughing now?”

His group, The 207th Parallel, has trained for years in simulated retail conditions, including staged flash sales and doorbuster stampedes. “We run drills every October,” he said. “First aid for trample injuries, coupon negotiation tactics, emergency retreat through Old Navy - it’s all muscle memory.”

A rival faction, The Tangiers Rebellion, reportedly operates out of a converted trailer near Starbucks. Their leader, known only as “Donna the Deal Hunter,” claims her team can extract an entire family from the Gap Outlet “in under 90 seconds, even with a stroller.”

“This isn’t about panic,” she said, tightening the strap on her hydration pack. “It’s about readiness. When the sirens go off, you don’t want to be the one still deciding between fleece or down.”

The Long Weekend Ahead

Samantha Greer of Newburyport packed a thermos, three granola bars, and a handwritten goodbye note to her family before marching toward the Lululemon outlet like a sailor heading for a storm swell. She said she planned her route with topographic maps and tide charts so she could reach the door the moment it opened. “If I don’t make it back, tell my kids I did it for the leggings,” she said, tightening her hood as the wind whipped across the parking lot.

Governor Mills has urged calm, reminding residents that “no pair of discount UGGs is worth losing your humanity over.” Still, FEMA’s trucks remain stationed along Route 1, distributing ponchos, cocoa, and loyalty cards. Experts predict that by Saturday morning, Kittery will have established a new local economy based entirely on BOGO coupons.