Portsmouth Gets All Fucked Up on Halloween

You know what time of year it is Portsmouth. Time to get scared!

That’s right, it’s Halloween: the only holiday for cool people and sex havers. Fuck Christmas, fuck Memorial Day, fuck the Fourth of July. Halloween is pound-for-pound the most ferocious holiday in Portsmouth, and The Tug has rounded up all the cool things to do around town.

The Blood Bus: Everyone hop on the blood bus! Just kidding, it’s full of blood and it will all spill out if you try to get on. You can see it drive around town though every night at 9pm, which is a little early to be spooky but the drivers union has strict rules. Portsmouth PD Pumpkin People: You may have seen these guys around town courtesy of the Portsmouth Police Department. The fuzz put up these guys every year for their annual target practice. They thought this year it would be fun to have them have their hands up. Fun fact: Portsmouth Police can’t refuse a ride-along if you want to go around with them and shoot at the statues.

PPAF Halloween Party: This is the place you go to get fucked. Bring your sluttiest, studdiest costume down to Prescott Park at midnight and rub up against each other to loud house music until the magic mists of Halloween Portsmouth transport you straight to bone town.

Deadwick’s Ayahuasca Trolly: Better take tomorrow off, because it’s time to get all messed up on hot hallucinogenic vine juice. Deadwicks Etherial Emporium has ayahuasca tours popping off every three hours starting at 10am. See all the spooky historical sights and talk with ghosts as you trip balls and vomit profusely. Truly a spiritual experience.

Mayor Blalock’s Darkness Party: Not really much to report here. It’s a dark, quiet room in city hall where you hear Mayor Blalock periodically ask everyone if they’re having a good time, and they are for the most part.

Portsmouth Halloween Parade: People walk down streets and you watch them unless you are one of the people walking down the streets.

Full Size Candy Bars on the South End: Get your costumes on, because we saw the South Enders at BJ’s and they were buying full size candy bars in bulk. Bask in the reflection of their wealth and eat your fill of chocolate. Put off that class war for another year. It’s not so bad. Moxy Serving up Halloween Feelings: Chef Matt Louis is serious about Halloween, which is why he’s serving up a tasting menu of scares. Guests sit eating a special spooky menu of locally-sourced tapas, terrified, while servers and kitchen staff serve up everyone’s all-time greatest fears like “things popping out at me”, “my parents dying,” and “my marriage is failing faster than my kids are getting older”. If you’re lucky, Chef Louis will come out and trade Halloween candy with you.