As more retail stores announce Black Friday deals starting as soon as November 20th, emergency management officials have begun staging resources across the Seacoast as Kittery prepares for an event meteorologists and economists alike have described as “a Category 5 consumerism wave.”

“Every time we think we’ve exited Dover, it turns out we’re still in Dover,” said Dr. Carla Minot, head of the Dover Topology Initiative.

“It’s a separate municipality now,” he insists, “and frankly, we’re doing great.”

“After careful consideration, we have decided to take a bold stand for timidity,” declared a Music Hall spokesperson at a press conference held safely behind a locked lobby door. “At The Music Hall, we believe in the arts, in community, and in sprinting away the instant things get even a teensy bit spicy.”